Trigger warning: suicidal ideation.
I may be at one of the lowest points in my life. And not because my baby isn’t perfect. He’s the best. He’s an easy baby. That almost makes it harder for me to admit this. So many parents are experiencing postpartum depression in the newborn trenches, with no support, and with babies that are much harder to care for. That doesn’t change my current predicament. I’m 7-1/2 months postpartum. Depression sank into me so suddenly at 4 months postpartum. By 6 months, I couldn’t concentrate. I felt hopeless and worthless.
I went back to work after 10 weeks. To some, that will sound like plenty of time; to others, not nearly enough. I was the latter. My kid was still a newborn. He needed me. But my family needs my income.
I went back to work feeling like I was failing as a mom. I couldn’t be there for my baby all day, every day, anymore, at an age where he still needs it. He needs me. And I need him. I was hopeful that despite feeling like a failure as a mother, I could have more success in my career. But instead, I went back feeling like I was underwater, like I was failing at being a mom and failing at my job. I wasn’t meeting my own standards anymore, which led me to believe everyone noticed my performance was declining. Nobody else voiced concerns about my performance; in fact, they were open about promoting me. But the intense paranoia I had about other people noticing the difference in how quickly I do my job, how thoroughly, made going to work harder every day.
On top of that, I was sobbing off and on at work, and I eventually started having panic attacks and hyperventilating while driving due to intrusive thoughts. I needed to take medical leave. I still hadn’t recovered from the birth because of the pelvic fracture, edema, and osteitis pubis. They later found osteoarthritis in my back where the sacral fracture had occurred.
With all that, I felt worthless. My baby was awesome, my support system was strong,, my job was great, and I was doing okay at work considering everything, but I couldn’t stick it out in those moments. I was as inadequate as a provider and as a mother in those moments. I felt like an imposter at every turn. I am as good a mother as I can think to be. But my milk supply went down after having mastitis, then returning to work. It was difficult to schedule pumping sessions between meetings. I was interpreting drawings and missing calls from job sites and contractors. Even when I had enough time to read the drawings and specifications, I might not have time to do the work behind it. On top of that, I was snapping at my husband out of irritability for the smallest things, and the man is only trying to help. I can’t make a decision. Even the decision to say I can’t decide and will you please decide instead is a battle that takes me what seems like an eternity.
I know my body is fighting against going back to work when I know my baby needs me. Instead, he spends the day with his father until I get home, so his father can go to work, and I know that in itself is a blessing for our family. But I envy my husband every single minute of my workday. By the time I get home, I only have 2 or 3 hours with my baby before putting him to bed. Some of that is spent on his naps.
In addition, I question my reality intermittently. Suddenly, I have an undeniable thought that something is happening that I’m not seeing. That I am not part of reality at all. That I am imagining everything in my life and I will wake up one day and it will all be gone – my husband, the baby, my life. And if that thought isn’t daunting enough, I also have intense feelings that my baby is or will be hurt so badly I won’t be able to cope. That he will be abused the moment I’m not looking directly at him – even when I’m in the room but not the one holding him or playing with him. That his bones will suddenly snap while he is doing tummy time. Simultaneously I’ll think he will be better off without me. That I shouldn’t get to be his mother, and if I act quickly enough, he won’t have to remember me.
I didn’t spot the warning signs before falling into a pit of depression and crippling anxiety.
PPD (postpartum depression) is a type of depression that occurs after childbirth, affecting up to 1 in 7 women. Signs and symptoms include:
– Extreme sadness or hopelessness
– Anxiety
– Irritability
– Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
– Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
– Difficulty bonding with the baby, lasting longer than the typical “baby blues,” which is temporary and typically resolves within a couple of weeks. PPD is more severe and longer lasting.
– Intrusive thoughts
– Persistent crying
– Loss of interest or joy in hobbies, food, or activities you used to love
– Overwhelming fatigue, yet an inability to sleep even when the baby is sleeping
– Social withdrawal
Postpartum anxiety is excessive, persistent worry and fear that starts during pregnancy or after childbirth and feels hard to control. It may show up as:
– A constant “something bad will happen” feeling, dread, or panic
– Inability to relax even when the baby is doing well
– Excessive worry about your baby’s health and safety, or your own, often accompanied by repeatedly checking for reassurance
– Obsessive behaviors or safety rituals, like constantly checking on the baby, obsessing over feeding schedules, or avoidance
– Racing thoughts
– Irritability
– Feeling overwhelmed
– Difficulty coping
– Restlessness
– Sleep problems beyond what’s expected with a newborn (like an intense fear of sleep)
– Physical anxiety symptoms (fast heartbeat, sweating, nausea, trembling, shortness of breath)
– Panic attacks
– Intrusive, unwanted, or distressing thoughts and worries
– Impairment in daily functioning, bonding, or getting through basic tasks
Treatment for both PPD and postpartum anxiety often involves counseling, psychotherapy, and/or medication. If neither of those feels right for you, or you need more support, there are support groups, online forums, and crisis hotlines (see the full list of resources below).
Some natural supportive practices include asking for help with nights or early mornings, napping whenever possible, and keeping a consistent sleep window. Go for short daily walks, gentle stretching, or postpartum-safe yoga if tolerated. Regular meals with protein and complex carbs, along with staying hydrated, will help. Take omega-3s, or get them from foods like fatty fish or chia, flax, or walnuts (ask your clinician about dosing if you’re breastfeeding) – see my recipes post for easy options and prep options if that feels doable. Frequent check-ins with a partner, friend, or family member, or joining a postpartum support group, can ease the burden. Try 5-10 minutes of slow breathing, grounding (5-4-3-2-1: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste), or short mindfulness meditations. Journaling, or thought-dumping, where you write your worries down and then list 1-3 small steps to reduce overwhelm, can also help. Reduce isolation and stimulation by limiting doom-scrolling. Set “low-stress” times and keep the home calm and as organized as possible. Name the thought and challenge unhelpful beliefs with kinder, more realistic alternatives. Use comfort rituals like warmth (shower or heating pad), soothing music, or time with someone you trust.
Resources for support include healthcare providers, mental health hotlines, leaning on your support system, online forums, or support groups. Also see Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) below.
– Postpartum Support International — the world’s leading non-profit for postpartum care — offers support groups and a helpline (call or text “help” to 1-800-944-4773). They provide peer support, information, and direct connections to local specialists (please note this is not an emergency line; hours are 8 AM to 11 PM EST).
– NAMI (National Maternal Mental Health Hotline): call or text 1-833-852-6262 for a free, 24/7 confidential government helpline provided by the Health Resources and Services Administration. It is staffed by professional counselors and supports English, Spanish, and 60 other languages.
– Call or text 988 for immediate crisis support — available 24/7, free and confidential for anyone experiencing severe mental health distress or suicidal thoughts.
– You can text HOME to 741741 to contact a volunteer crisis counselor 24/7 for free text-based support.
– SAMHSA’s National Helpline (call 1-800-662-4357) is managed by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. It is a 24/7 referral service that helps families find local mental health treatment facilities and support groups.
– FindTreatment.gov is an online search tool backed by SAMHSA to locate verified, licensed mental health professionals and clinics by zip code.
– Office on Women’s Health (OWH) offers a deep dive into symptoms and treatments on the OWH Postpartum Depression page.
– CDC Reproductive Health provides evidence-based education
and research through the CDC Depression Resources Guide.
Remember that navigating these feelings is paramount to keeping yourself and your baby safe. Don’t hesitate to ask for help from any of these resources. Give yourself grace, and show yourself kindness and compassion in times of crisis or worry.
You are enough. You are needed and necessary. You are valuable and worthy.
This article is for educational purposes only and is not medical advice. Every postpartum journey is different. Consult your healthcare provider or a qualified professional with questions about your individual health, recovery, or treatment.
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